I kept Grant home from preschool today because, while he didn't have a fever, he did have a runny nose and acted super whiney yesterday and this morning.

I'm positively giddy... and celebrating my moment of quiet with actual quiet. I'm loading CDs into my iphone, blogging (obviously) following the “Woot-off” but I'm not cleaning house or fussing with CPM stuff. The TV is off. I'm relaxing.

Yesterday was a really hard day.

Remember my last blog about how Andy was sleeping so well? Well, he wasn't really eating so much. Just a few minutes here and there... but not enough to be sleeping 5 or 6 hours at a time. Yesterday morning, as I changed his diaper, Drew & I noticed his stomach shape looked – well, not right. We both noticed it and I called the doctor immediately. We were in the pediatrician's office in less than half an hour... and luckily we got in with, who I consider, the best doctor in the practice. I went over everything going on with Andy. He's sleeping a lot. He's not eating as much as he used to. His stomach looks strange. But... he's happy. He's very happy. He fusses in the evenings like he might have a touch of reflux, but it's not nearly at the level Grant was.

The doctor was a bit baffled.
Andy got a thorough exam... but there was nothing at all to indicate why this would be happening or if it's even really a problem. A newborn not really eating IS a problem though. We're supposed to keep a very close watch on him and if anything changes for the worse... we'll have to go in for more invasive testing... which for an infant is done in the hospital. Yes, I'm freaked out about it. I spent all day yesterday trying to find flu shots for me... because if I'm going to have to spend any time in the hospital with Andy I want the shots so I can pass the antibodies on to him. Of course, no one has the shot of H1N1 – just the mist which contains live virus so I can't have it. Annoying.

I've kept a careful record of Andy's eating and sleeping habits for the past 24 hours (almost) and it looks like he is getting back into the swing... he seems to be eating often enough and long enough, though still not the LLL recommended 10-12 times per day ( but I guess we're close...). And again, he's happy. If he were in a lot of pain we would know it.

So, my moments of quiet are really relaxing and I can actually feel my batteries recharging.

I also bought the new John Mayer album today (via Itunes). I just can't quit him. Drew teases me mercilessly about it. Don't worry... if Drew ever teased me about Ben Folds he would pay a hefty price. We don't trash talk Ben Folds in this family. Anyway, I also downloaded theme song from “Lie to Me” which I really like. It's not ColdPlay. Dude who sings it could replace Chris Martin should the need ever arise.

Do you watch “Lie to Me”? I can't help but really like it for some reason. Have you noticed that Cal (Dr. Lightman) always tilts his head when he's 'reading' people? Do you think it's as hilarious as Drew & I do? Because we both think it's really hilarious.

Do you watch “Top Chef”?

Kevin is my very favorite. I don't care for the Voltaggio brothers because they both seem really snotty and I don't care for their style of food. I don't want an eating project that involves getting several different smears into one bite. I like Kevin's style. He's also the physical embodiment of everything I find unattractive... but he's got such a fun personality (or is edited to have such a fun personality) that I can't help but really like him. If we get to Atlanta again we will go his restaurant the night after we go to Richard Blais' Flip.

Well, Grant is up now... and not happy about it. We're going to bake some brownies. They always make me feel better! Maybe it'll work for him.

Andy is 6 weeks old now... and what a six weeks it's been.

Last night he cried from about 7pm until about 11pm.

He then slept from 11pm until 5:30. He ate from 5:30 until 5:45 and then slept until almost nine... something I thought was unheard of for an exclusively breastfed six-week-old. I'm also so excited that breastfeeding is going so well. Plenty of milk... Andy does great with it... no supplementing. It's nice to have one victory when I spend so much of my time feeling like a failure.

Now, before I get into why I feel like a failure, I do want to say that now that I'm getting some sleep... I feel much, much better.

Anyway, I feel like a failure because I'm having trouble mentally wrapping my head around juggling both boys. Grant gets so jealous when I'm feeding Andy. Andy wants to be held when he's awake... and he's a newborn so he needs to be held when he's awake so he can feel safe and comfortable. How do I hold Andy, mother Grant, make dinner, keep up the house and keep my sanity? I find myself short on patience and Grant doesn't understand why, by 4pm, I'm ready to run screaming out the door without ever looking back. The whining in our house runs at epic levels and the combination of whining plus newborn screaming makes me want to rip my ears off. Lunch time is hard because I'm starving.. Andy is awake... and I usually have just enough time to make a lunch before Andy screams because I'm not holding him. Note: I said make the lunch. I woof it down while Andy wails and Grant screams “STOP CRYING ANDY!” I've been so run down with exhaustion that no one is getting the best of me... and a lot of the worst of me is what's been coming out. One day dinner was crap and I even screwed up making Rice Krispee treats. How does that happen?

I'm definitely feeling a lot better with a bit of sleep... and figuring out how to get out of the house with both boys... being house bound was not helping the situation. Poor Grant is on his 3^rd double ear infection in six weeks – so helping him when he feels so rotten has been a challenge.

Anyway, I'm getting my footing... and I know I'll figure out how to juggle a little better.

Until then... it's a matter of coping and keeping a sense of humor...

My friend Beth lost her beautiful daughter Kathlyn just one day before she was to be born. There's no reason or explanation... just a lot of tears and a lot of questions. Beth and her husband live the nightmare of every single set of pregnant parents. `

I went over to Beth's house about a month after she lost Katie and just a couple of weeks before Andy was born. She shared her beautiful pictures of Katie... and something even more special. She gave me a onesie that was to be Katie's. Andy got the only unisex onesie that she had for her little girl. What an amazing, special gift to have.

Last Thursday was the day that Andy got to wear Katie's onesie.

I felt so solemn putting it on him... thinking of Beth... knowing she would give anything she had to be putting this on her own little girl right now... and knowing it won't ever happen. I kept hoping that by Andy wearing the onesie – Beth would feel a little bit more of Katie with her all day. I felt so lucky to have my two little boys... and felt like a fool for being frustrated with both kids because of how tired I am.

I am not one of those people who believe thats God gives people tests – like stillborn infants or cancer – to improve their life or teach them a lesson. That sounds like a really cruel God to me. I think that part of life is the randomness of it. Sometimes planes crash. Sometimes people get cancer. Sometimes babies die before they're born. Those things don't happen to teach the friends and relatives of the dead some sort of life lesson. Those things happen... and they leave a lot of people hurting. The tests of life are the choices you make after tragedy. Do you choose to try and find a way to continue living or do you let the grief overcome.

So this blog is for you Kathlyn, Beth and John.  Thank you for making us a part of your lives... we will always remember your special girl.