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Thursday, 16 September 2004 12:23 |
One month from today I will be a married woman. How strange is
that. You know, as a kid, getting married was this sort of
all-consuming goal. I remember being 12 years old and planning my
wedding stuff. I picked out dresses and even bridesmaid
dresses. I wrote lists of my ideal husband. I planned what
I wanted at my wedding reception. And a lot about me has changed
since that day. I've learned a lot about myself and the world and
living life. Not that I know it all mind you. I've just
grown as a person. Before, marriage was the end
goal. It was the "happily ever after." I never considered
mortgages or work or my husband doing things that bugged me. I
thought the hard part would be finding the right man and then living
that idyllic life with him would be just coasting. Of course, I'm
not such an idiot any more. Now I view marriage as a life-long
committment to make a life with someone. It's a decision to be
married. I'm still not sure how I feel about
fate and destiny. But I do know that I knew before Drew and I
even started dating that we would be married. In fact, I remember
the point when I realized it and I told one of my friends. At the
time, I wasn't anxious (totally uncharacteristic) or nervous. I
had a sense of calm just knowing it would happen. Now here we are
a month away from it actually happening and I am very ready.
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Tuesday, 14 September 2004 12:22 |
Have you watched the new show "How Clean is Your
House?" It's a new show on Lifetime where these
British ladies go into these filthy homes and berate the owners then
clean things up. Now when I say they go in filthy homes, I don't
think you understand how filthy these homes actually are. I've
seen two shows total. I puked watching the first one.
Yesterday I just gagged and dry heaved. The girl yesterday had
milk in her refrigerator from February 2003 or something. Her cat
had a vomiting problem in that she puked all over the place and the
owner NEVER cleaned it up. And the litter box hadn't been changed
in months. There was pooh everywhere.
Literally, everywhere, including the girl's bed. How do you get
to that point in your life? Where the filth in your own home
makes a stranger seeing it on TV gag? Where do people go
wrong? After the cat vomits the first time, is that when you
decide you don't need to clean it up? Or do you decide at the
20th time? Oh, and the vet said the reason the cat vomits all the
time is because the litter box is full so the cat refuses to make the
poop, it just comes out the other way. And even nastier... the
carpet cleaning people sucked out 40 GALLONS of cat puke and pooh and
pee from the carpet. No really, 40 GALLONS. Why do I watch
the show? Because my apartment is cleaner than it's ever
been!
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Monday, 13 September 2004 12:19 |
It's strange when you see someone's humanity. I'm not talking
about when you see them or even when you see them cry or laugh or
talk. Those tings happen and you notice them or don't notice
them, but rarely do you see them as a person. Today I saw someone
walking down the hall. She's a woman that not a lot of people
like. But she was walking down the hall sort of alone, at least,
she didn't know I was there, and she was singing. Just sort of
humming... softly... cheerfully. And suddenly, she wasn't a
monster. She was just a woman who liked her job and was humming
at the end of the day.
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Sunday, 12 September 2004 12:14 |
A long weekend in Julianna Land. I worked at the Health Fit expo
all weekend long. What a sea of humanity. The most diverse
people come to these events. Most of us are stuck in these ruts
of our lives. We meet the same sort of people and we don't see
how other worlds operate. In my world, the norm is college,
grooming and well, all of your teeth. But this weekend I saw
people who don't have those things. But they seem happy and that,
I guess, makes it okay. It's also an odd testament to the power
of television. If you're on tv or associated with tv, people are
fascinated with you. Why? I guess I don't care
about it.
Well, we're just more than a month from the wedding. So much to
do in so little time. But we're slowly getting it all done.
Can't wait! Mostly I just want the vacation. Time to
relax. And I'm ready for life to take on a normalcy. I'm
terrified though that all of this will soon be ripped away from
me. That there will be an accident and there will be no
wedding. And of course, as I write this, I'm sure people will be
reading it in some ironic sense... like "oh, she just knew before
hand." But if nothing else, this weekend at Health Fit proves
that I can stand up through the ceremony. I'm very nervous about
fainting during the ceremony... if I get hot or lock my
knees. I need to be sure to not lock my knees.
Also, I think my eczema is acting up again and I need to get some medicine to make sure my skin is all smooth for Drew.
Speaking of... he has some aversion to going grocery shopping, but he doesn't want me to go alone. We have like ZERO food in the house. I'm going grocery shopping right after work tomorrow...with or without him!
Well, I'm going to bed now. Drew is going to stay up to watch the new show on the history channel. Apparently he wants to know how the war of 1812 ends :)
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Thursday, 09 September 2004 12:05 |
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Today I start my blog and my home page and my online journaling.
I'm hoping to do this regularly as journaling helps my anxiety. I guess it's a good way to work things out in your head, you know? I'm working on several things at once here. I'm doing the wedding programs, shopping for clothes, scanning pictures and watching the patriots all at once. Yes, I am a multi-tasker. You know, I realized earlier this week that my job at FOX25 nearly cost me my life. Not only did it give me horrifying ulcers and heighten my anxiety disorder, but it also had such a screwed up schedule, that I had to drop most of my interests. Now I have a much more reasonable job and it's like I'm having to re-learn how to live. So I'm working on the website and workingout again. I'm painting and reading and listening to music. My life is no longer controlled by news, and it's wonderful.
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I LOVE your blog!!! Keep it coming.
Sounds wonderful at your house. I ...
It certainly sounds like you are enjo...
I UNDERSTAND!!!!!!!
Thank you Julianna... what big shoes ...